Friday, June 18, 2010

Ch-ch-ch-changes !

Why do we change ? why do we look back at a time that has gone before and think - Oh I was was relaxed and carefree then - what happened ? Was it really carefree back then, or do we just think it was. I was reading over old blog posts the other day and I could feel the contentment coming from those posts, then as I read on, the contentment became less and less. We had a really rough few years, we had a horrendous business situation in the UK that left us with terrible debt that was not ours, meaning that we had to sell our house and relocate abroad. Don't get me wrong, I love living abroad, always have, but having to do it, is different from wanting to do it. That was stressful. We were desperate for another baby and kept on trying through it all and then, wow, we got pregnant, only to loose the twins at 15 weeks. I got pregnant again which was fantastic only to be totally flooded out when I was 8 months gone - this was not a little bit of water in the house, this was major flooding and it was very frightening indeed. Then Oscar arrived, in a rather stressful way - dash to the hospital, emergency C-Section, the works. We were both safe and sound though - but hey, more stress. Then, James was made redundant, he looked for work for two and half months of his three month notice period, found something and then was told that he was being kept on by his company. Lordy more stress.

So, all of the above have consipred to change me somewhat. I was, previously fairly naive - I assumed that things would always be alright and generally they were, then all that happened. I stopped being happy go lucky and became a worrier. I was never a worrier before. I started to worry about my health and what might happen and it all became too much. This was all in the year leading up to my 40th birthday. So, I hit 40 and had a minor panic. I'm afraid that all that has happened has made me into a less great parent that I would like to be, my temper is shorter than I would like it to be and I have become more selfish that I should be - I like to spend time alone - I don't put as much effort into my children as I should and I feel terrible about it.

So far, we are having a good year - I hate to speak too soon but hey - I've said it and I am feeling much better. We have moved to a new house - had another cyclone that wasn't as bad as the last one and didn't flood us out and I feel relaxed again. I feel like I can see the wood for the trees. I am enjoying spending time with my children again and I'm happy to plan activites to do with them and watch them having fun. I am still having trouble managing the two children thing - but I think that is normal - who among us is perfect as splitting ourself between two children - not many I would think. I am learing new techniques, I am reading again to get advice and I am happy to be doing it. I'm looking forward to the summer and spending time with family and friends in a relaxed way. Many many things have changed and I have no control over them and I am happy with that. I can move forward in a positive way and take charge of my life again. It's taken a while, but I feel like I'm starting to get back to my old self.

However, the one thing that frustrates me beyond all compare is my weight. I put on a lot of weight with all my pregnancies. Really, a lot of weight and I am struggling more than I can say to get rid of it. I want to do it, I really do, but not enough it would seem to actually do it. Everyone around me is loosing weight. A good friend of mine recently lost over two stone doing Slimming World and she looks fabulous. I gave it a try but just couldn't stick to it in a way that made a difference to my weight. I have lost a lot of weight don't get me wrong, but I feel I need to loose more. Now this is an interesting point, why do I feel I need to loose more - I am slimmer now than I was when I got pregnant with Jacob, but still I'm not happy - why ? I am healthy and I am pretty fit but all the images I see around me every day make me feel like I need to be teeny tiny.

Everyone tells me I am doing really well, but are they just saying that ? When I used to live in Indonesia and the Philippines I never really saw media images, we were rather isolated and I never worried about what I looked like at all - I was what I was and that was that, then I came back to the UK and everyone was super slim - everywhere. When did it become OK to be so skinny - when did it become more than OK, desireable to look like you were just recovering from Dysentary - it's not healthy and it's not beautiful - it is scary and unacceptable. I must say that we don't have so much of it over here in Oman and I can only imagine what it is like for women in the UK who are full on bombared with skinny images all the time. Here is it desireable for a woman to have a little meat on her bones - there are the skinny younger girls of course, but most women are plump and loving it - good on them I say.

So anyway - those are my musings for the day, but so as not to post a totally photoless blog post - which frankly is just more than a little boring - I thought I'd share with you some images that I took on a recent visit to Dubai - now there is a place that is messed up - don't get me started - super skinny young western women wearing skirts up to here and tops cut down to there walking next to chic UAE nationals in full abaya - it's just not right - where is the respect ? Don't get me wrong I wear shorts (not short shorts, bermuda ones) and the odd strappy top, but I do it in a respectful way - these women who are flaunting it all in a Muslim country strike me as foolish and arrogant - just my tuppenceworth. Anyhooo - I went to Dubai with a friend of mine for her Birthday weekend - just us girls and it was fabulous - shopped from 10am until 10pm and then flaked out in our hotel room. At the start of the day we had a lovely cuppa in a gorgeous cafe that serves mainly chocolate - well how could we resist - it was a work of art just being in the place - look - this is all bars of chocolate - how beautiful are they ?

And then there were these fabulous macaroons - they were a work of art - we were there around Easter time and the displays in the chocolate and patisserie shop windows were amazing - this is just a little section but it was amazing, trust me !

Whilst in Dubai I bought the boys some lovely crazy glasses - there were mad and seriously reminded me of the movie 12 monkeys - great movie by the way. Anyway - the boys loved them and they looked hysterical in them - here they are

Lastly - a little while ago we got our hands on a very nice label maker - I can't remember the name of the make, but it begins with a D - I'm getting old - I told you ! Sooooo - Jacob went a little label crazy and decided to make us all name labels just incase we forgot who we are - it could happen - seriously, it could, now I'm over 40 I'm not ruling anything out !!!

So that is me for today - over and out. x


Anonymous Anne said...

Hi! It's good to read you posting again. I do wish Blogger had a Ravelry-style 'love' button though. (No, I really really really don't mean anything rude by that!) I haven't been through what you've been through, but I do get some of the whole 'over 40' thing. I'm 43, and theoretically I don't mind having an ageing body. Theoretically I embrace the differences that childbirth has wrought on it. However I just don't feel ready for it. Inside I simply don't have the confidence and sense of purpose I always imagined a woman of my age would have. Sigh. And in my case working with 16-18 year olds only serves to highlight the differences.

I'm glad to see that life is picking up for you - may the good year continue!

8:41 pm  
Anonymous Anna said...

lovely to see you writing again Becky!

I'm having the same issues with trying to loose weight after 2 kids. I lost a bit after the first and then a little bit after the second but I'm still about 4 stone heavier than I was when I got pregnant for the first time 7 years ago! I don't read magazines or watch tv so I tend to avoid the thin images but just for me I'd like to be thinner and in better shape, actually doing it another issue though!

It took me a while to get used to two kids, I am still surprised at how different the little one is to his big brother, it's not just that there's 2 of them it's that they're totally different people who need different things and figuring it all out can be hard at times! I'm sure you're doing a fab job though, we all doubt our parenting skills at times!

Hope things keep getting happier for you and the worrying subsides!

8:53 pm  
Blogger Becky said...

ah thanks ladies - it's so nice to hear from you - I honestly thought everyone had written me off so it's nice to know at least a couple of people remember who I am !!!

I agree with all that you have said - I am not the person that I thought I would be at this age - I thought I would have more self confidence and be assured of my decisions - most days I can't decide the answer if Jacob asks me if he can watch tv - how ridiculous is that !!! Still I am feeling better every day and my confidence is being rebuilt evey day - so hopefully with time - the confidence will return and I'll be back to my old self again.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you commenting on my ramblings - I honestly didn't expect that I am welling up !!!

I'll be back again soon with more thoughts from the sand box !

5:47 pm  

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